Single in the City: Restaurant Wars II

You may remember from a previous post that I occasionally enjoy entertainment and dining options by myself.

This is not weird, small-minded Americans, this is modern and forward-thinking with a certain European sophistication.

Now that we have that settled, let's get to the second review in the series: The Chancery in Wauwatosa.

Establishment: The Chancery
Known Aliases: Cancer's, Chaucer's
Location: Wauwatosa, WI

Anyone who's been to Chancery can tell you that they have plenty of seating available with innumerable nooks and crannies in which a single diner can hide. However, when I went there for lunch the other day (okay, it was, like, months ago...this review is a long time coming), I was placed smack dab in the middle of the Monopoly room. You know which one I'm talking about. There's a 3 ft. x 3 ft. framed print of Park Place, and currency from around the world featured on the walls.

The Staff:
The hostess was sweet, never hinting that she may have thought it odd for me to eat lunch by myself during peak dining time.

The waiter was friendly, though not overtly so. I took it to mean he assumed he would not be getting as high a tip from a single diner as he no doubt would from a table of four for the same amount of effort. However, surely not so much thought was put into the attitude. Likely it was just a long day for him.

The Atmosphere:
While the staff was friendly, the other diners were decidedly less so. Approximately 10 minutes after I was seated (after beverage, before order), a table of Ladies Who Lunch were seated directly next to me.

At first I thought nothing of it.

After all, people are seated next to you in a restaurant all the time. However, those neighbor diners usually refrain from loudly discussing you in your close presence.

The suburban housewives with no lives (rhyme unintentional, though appropriate) could not help themselves from commenting on my single status situation. Not to me or with me, no. Rather, they discussed how sad they found it when they observed others dining alone in a restaurant. No way, they said, would they be able to do the same. They would feel far too awkward.

This went on at a decibel level loud enough to be certain that I would overhear.

Rather than confront the elephant head on - because who likes confrontation - I took to Twittering the situation in an effort that public venting would leave me feeling somewhat calmer.

Final Score: C+
But only because the Bored Bimbos made me rush through my lunch and rush out the door.

If Only I Made New Year's Resolutions

If only I made New Year's resolutions...

I suppose my New Year's resolutions would include more frequent posting on my blog.

I suppose my New Year's resolutions would include thinking of my blog's readers and their feelings and how they'd like a new post once in awhile.

I suppose my New Year's resolutions would include having a more interesting life.

I suppose my New Year's resolutions would include having a more interesting life so that I would have something to post once in awhile.

I suppose my New Year's resolutions would include thinking that what happens in my life is interesting enough to warrant a blog post.

I suppose my New Year's resolutions would include actually making New Year's resolutions so that they could include all of the above.

If only I made New Year's resolutions.

5 Ways the Internet Enrages Me

Lately, the makers of popular websites have felt the need to control me and my Internet usage. Subsequently, I've been feeling a somewhat irrational level of rage that will soon push me to abandon these sites that practice the following annoying tactics:

1. Facebook Privacy Notice

Facebook, I will view your privacy changes when I am darn good and ready to and not a moment sooner. If you continue to preempt my regular usage of your site and force me to read things I don't want to read, and make me use functionality of your site I don't care to explore at this present moment, then I will take my patronage elsewhere. Pass the word along to your advertisers.

2. MSN Automatic Bing Searches

I've added the Google toolbar to my Firefox Internet browser. I like Google. I trust their search results. I occasionally enjoy their "I'm Feeling Lucky" function for a good laugh, not to mention Google Scholar, which is a graduate student's lifeline. In other words, Google is my search engine of choice. Except, of course, when I visit MSN.com and try to start a search in my Google Toolbar.

See above.

When I started typing "Searching Bing" the MSN.com site somehow preempts my Google search and enters the text into the Bing search bar. In this manner, only "Searc" ends up in my Google search bar while "hing Bing" winds up in the Bing search bar. I hate this. I hate this a lot. You see, I don't want to search Bing. I don't want to be made to search Bing. In fact, I don't think I want MSN.com to be my homepage anymore.

3. Green Bay Press Gazette webpage ads

I admit it. I'm originally from Green Bay. As such, I enjoy checking out the local news every day, and so I go to the Green Bay Press Gazette's website. However, a new ad feature they've installed at the top of their homepage is beginning to annoy the crap out of me. You see, when I navigate to the homepage, I immediately scroll down to read the headlines. However, as the page is still taking it's sweet time loading, 9 times out of 10, the ad at the top of the page begins expanding, pushing down all of the content below it as I'm trying to read it. You can imagine how impossible it is to read text on a website when it is constantly moving and reloading. In case some of you have missed my recent announcement, any ad that interrupts my attempts to read web content will ensure that I will never purchase that advertised product.

4. Autoplay Videos
The time for excuses is over, Internets. Any producer and/or web designer worth his or her salt will know how to install a video to "Autoplay: false." The fact that you don't do so tells me you do not value my time or independent decision-making faculties. Not to mention the fact that the ancient PC in my office repeatedly gets an Internet Explorer error on video streaming, and, thereofore, autoplay videos mean that I cannot view your website beyond initial loading. Therefore, I have little value for your website and/or product.

5. Being told what to do*
Ultimately, the result of the previous four items is to tell me what to do. I don't appreciate this. I am an educated adult, and I am a savvy web user. I do not need anyone telling me what to do with my Internet usage, especially companies who do so in the name of profit.



*Number 5 is really a conclusion that can be drawn from numbers 1-4, however, a list of 5 sounds much better than a list of 4, don't you think? Ergo, I elucidated.

Milwaukee's 99.1 Made my Night

Thank you 99.1 for including a session of call-in requests at 10:00 PM for my drive home. The following is a delicious exerpt of that portion of your broadcast that had me laughing aloud.

Host: Who's on your mind tonight?
Caller: My ex-fiance
Host: Oh, your "ex?" I'm sorry.
Caller: Yeah, we were together for seven years.
Host: Did she give you the boot?
Caller: Yeah. She wanted to explore more options and have more experiences.
Host: Wow, you were together for a long time. How old are you?
Caller: I'm 23. She's 21.
Host: Oh......so you were together seven years?
Caller: Yeah.

Me: (Furiously doing math in my head) That's statutory rape!

Host: (crickets chirping)
Caller: (breathing)
Host: Well, I'm gonna play a song for you and I hope it makes you feel better.
Caller: Thank you.

The Song:

Single in the City: Restaurant Wars

Lately I've been enjoying Milwaukee's dining options solo. I got into the habit when I lived in Hungary, and, upon returning to the U.S., it seemed reasonable to try out new restaurants on my own.

Hey, I'm single and I can't always wait around for my friends to be free for dinner.

That said, it's quite disconcerting just how NOT normal it is in American society for people to eat alone. Try it sometime. And pay attention to the hostess's face when you tell her you are not, in fact, waiting for someone but will be needing a table for one.

Once again, that said, I've decided on a new blog feature entitled "Single in the City" where I take on the land of coupledom and grouptainment to see how establishments make the grade for us single folks. Points for friendliness of staff and lack of weird factor.

First up: Rock Bottom Brewery

The hostess at Rock Bottom Brewery greeted me with a smile for my solo lunch. Never asking if I was waiting for anyone, she simply asked if I would like a table in the bar or in the dining area. I chose the latter.

Once seated, the waiter took my order, only blinking an eye when I ordered a beer in the afternoon on a weekday and not when I sat alone in the booth for 2 hours.

While the restaurant was a bit empty, the staff never once made me feel awkward or inadequate for enjoying my dining experience solo. I did get some work done, so I didn't come in unarmed this time. However, my waiter was very attentive, yet not so much so that it made it seem he was trying to make up for my lack of company. If you've every dined out alone, you know what I mean.

Final Score: Gold Star
The staff at Rock Bottom were friendly and just the right amount of attentive. They didn't try to rush me out of the restaurant out of empathetic embarrassment or a desire to fill the table with more profitable group. Even more, the other customers did not seem uncomfortable with my lone status, in fact, they didn't even seem to notice.

Tune in for my next installment when I recount my experience at Chancery in Wauwatosa, and the suburban housewives seated at the next table who talked about me and my poor, single state the entire time I ate.

Really Dying Happy

Today when I arrived on campus an extraordinary thing happened that completed my life's journey.

After I parked in the ramp, I headed over to the College of Communication building two blocks away. As per usual, the red light at the intersection dictated which way I crossed first. This time I crossed East first, and then South toward The Al.

As I made my way past The Al I heard a trickling sound.

"That's funny," I thought, "It's not raining."

I looked toward the building, and sure enough, a homeless man was urinating on the corner of The Al.

Thankfully, he was turned away from me and so I did not have to witness the indecent exposure, however, I could see that he was creating a rather impressive waterfall of a wet spot on the nice buff-colored concrete.

I had two options:
1. Call Public Safety, after which they would arrive just in time to see the wet spot drying with no perpetrator, or
2. Go on my way and glory in the fact that my time at graduate school is now complete.

I chose the latter.

Dying Happy

I recently had a life-altering experience. I fulfilled a long-held dream of mine that, now complete, means that I will die happy. This past weekend I played bingo at the Oneida Bing & Casino in Green Bay, WI. I've never played bingo at a casino before, always preferring to keep my gambling addiction hidden in church basements and at grandma's house. However, I can tell you that the Nite Owl session in Oneida is a dream-fulfilling experience that I'll never forget.

The night started young at 7 P.M. My mother, and gambling compatriot (read: enabler), insisted we arrive early as the crazy bingo players usually do. Afterall, you cannot have a fulfilling bingo experience without following in the footsteps of the crazy bingo players.

After purchasing our packs and special games, we sat in a haze of secondhand smoke until the 9 P.M. session started. At 8:50 P.M. on the nose, the current session ended and we made a run for a table spot. Our goal was not to find the best spot, per se, but to find the best spot that would most enrage the habitual bingo players. You see, many crazy bingo players stake out the same spot every day and, at heart, are very, very superstitious people. Our goal that night was to infringe on that superstition.

Finally settled in for the long haul, we proceeded with the bingo experience. Twelve games later and none the richer, I took a moment and looked back on my time. Here's a rundown:

1. Most every game had the prefix "Crazy" attached to it. For example, we weren't just playing bingo, we were playing "Crazy Bingo." I concluded that the crazy bingo players could, in fact, only play crazy bingo. It makes a strange sort of sense.

2. Daubing is a must. Though the casino now offers computerized bingo games, the satisfyingly wet, ploppy sound of the dauber highlighting your latest numerical triumph is not to be missed.

3. Troll dolls do not help you win. Only successfully getting a bingo will help you win the game. Any charms, amulets, and, yes, troll dolls are unecessary and only make you look ridiculous.

4. The WI Smoking Ban cannot come soon enough. Unfortunately for this bingo player, The law does not apply to casinos. Alas, perhaps my bingo playing days are preemptively quashed.

5. "Don't embarrass me" was the one thing my mother told me when we started. Apparently, monitor bingo is a big no-no (calling "Bingo" based on a number shown on the monitor without waiting for the caller to announce it first).

6. Also prohibited? Talking. The serious (aka: crazy) bingo players get mad at you for messing with their concentration.

So, was it worth it? Indeed, it was. I now have plans to drag all of my friends to play bingo with me to share in the life-altering experience. And, of course, to snicker. Mustn't forget the snickering.

Drinking Games

Usually I don't like to post my debaucherous exploits online for all to see, but this is a matter of public service. You see, this past weekend I was witness to the creation of two new drinking games. Only you, Internets, can benefit from a retelling.

Game #1: Indian Style Apples
Supplies: Apples 2 Apples game cards, creativity, opposable thumbs

Directions:
1. Each player chooses a red Apples 2 Apples card
2. Place card facing toward other players on forehead
3. Players try to get each other to guess the word on their cards following the rules of Taboo (you cannot say the word or any derivation thereof in your description)

Tips:
Alternate turns with green Apples 2 Apples cards

Game #2: Bitch, please
Supplies: Bicycle playing cards, copious amounts of booze, mild-to-medium level buzz

Directions:
1. Players deal cards and play Go Fish
2. Instead of saying "Go Fish," when player asks for card you don't have, you say, "Bitch, please."

Tips:
Game works best when riding on a mild-to-medium level buzz. You should be drunk enough to find "Bitch, please" hilarious, yet sober enough not to slur.

Halloween Hijinks

People ask me what my costume will be for Halloween. I dodge the question with a vague and unsatisfying response. Mostly because I don't know, but also because I want to seem mysterious. Here are a few hints as to what I'm thinking...

Hint #1

Hint #2

Hint #3

But which will it be?

The Lost Months

Hey! It's been two months since last we spoke.

Sadly, interesting things have not been happening in my life...at least not pleasantly interesting things, and so I have not felt the need, nay desire, to post. It seemed needless to burden you with the crazy things, and so I've simply kept silent.

I realize now that may have saddened you. I am heartily sorry.

Shall I promise I will be more regular in my posting? Perhaps I will keep it on the safe side and promise I will TRY to be more regular in my posting. Does that suit? Let's shake on it.

I feel better about this already.