Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Really Dying Happy

Today when I arrived on campus an extraordinary thing happened that completed my life's journey.

After I parked in the ramp, I headed over to the College of Communication building two blocks away. As per usual, the red light at the intersection dictated which way I crossed first. This time I crossed East first, and then South toward The Al.

As I made my way past The Al I heard a trickling sound.

"That's funny," I thought, "It's not raining."

I looked toward the building, and sure enough, a homeless man was urinating on the corner of The Al.

Thankfully, he was turned away from me and so I did not have to witness the indecent exposure, however, I could see that he was creating a rather impressive waterfall of a wet spot on the nice buff-colored concrete.

I had two options:
1. Call Public Safety, after which they would arrive just in time to see the wet spot drying with no perpetrator, or
2. Go on my way and glory in the fact that my time at graduate school is now complete.

I chose the latter.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Dying Happy

I recently had a life-altering experience. I fulfilled a long-held dream of mine that, now complete, means that I will die happy. This past weekend I played bingo at the Oneida Bing & Casino in Green Bay, WI. I've never played bingo at a casino before, always preferring to keep my gambling addiction hidden in church basements and at grandma's house. However, I can tell you that the Nite Owl session in Oneida is a dream-fulfilling experience that I'll never forget.

The night started young at 7 P.M. My mother, and gambling compatriot (read: enabler), insisted we arrive early as the crazy bingo players usually do. Afterall, you cannot have a fulfilling bingo experience without following in the footsteps of the crazy bingo players.

After purchasing our packs and special games, we sat in a haze of secondhand smoke until the 9 P.M. session started. At 8:50 P.M. on the nose, the current session ended and we made a run for a table spot. Our goal was not to find the best spot, per se, but to find the best spot that would most enrage the habitual bingo players. You see, many crazy bingo players stake out the same spot every day and, at heart, are very, very superstitious people. Our goal that night was to infringe on that superstition.

Finally settled in for the long haul, we proceeded with the bingo experience. Twelve games later and none the richer, I took a moment and looked back on my time. Here's a rundown:

1. Most every game had the prefix "Crazy" attached to it. For example, we weren't just playing bingo, we were playing "Crazy Bingo." I concluded that the crazy bingo players could, in fact, only play crazy bingo. It makes a strange sort of sense.

2. Daubing is a must. Though the casino now offers computerized bingo games, the satisfyingly wet, ploppy sound of the dauber highlighting your latest numerical triumph is not to be missed.

3. Troll dolls do not help you win. Only successfully getting a bingo will help you win the game. Any charms, amulets, and, yes, troll dolls are unecessary and only make you look ridiculous.

4. The WI Smoking Ban cannot come soon enough. Unfortunately for this bingo player, The law does not apply to casinos. Alas, perhaps my bingo playing days are preemptively quashed.

5. "Don't embarrass me" was the one thing my mother told me when we started. Apparently, monitor bingo is a big no-no (calling "Bingo" based on a number shown on the monitor without waiting for the caller to announce it first).

6. Also prohibited? Talking. The serious (aka: crazy) bingo players get mad at you for messing with their concentration.

So, was it worth it? Indeed, it was. I now have plans to drag all of my friends to play bingo with me to share in the life-altering experience. And, of course, to snicker. Mustn't forget the snickering.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Drinking Games

Usually I don't like to post my debaucherous exploits online for all to see, but this is a matter of public service. You see, this past weekend I was witness to the creation of two new drinking games. Only you, Internets, can benefit from a retelling.

Game #1: Indian Style Apples
Supplies: Apples 2 Apples game cards, creativity, opposable thumbs

1. Each player chooses a red Apples 2 Apples card
2. Place card facing toward other players on forehead
3. Players try to get each other to guess the word on their cards following the rules of Taboo (you cannot say the word or any derivation thereof in your description)

Alternate turns with green Apples 2 Apples cards

Game #2: Bitch, please
Supplies: Bicycle playing cards, copious amounts of booze, mild-to-medium level buzz

1. Players deal cards and play Go Fish
2. Instead of saying "Go Fish," when player asks for card you don't have, you say, "Bitch, please."

Game works best when riding on a mild-to-medium level buzz. You should be drunk enough to find "Bitch, please" hilarious, yet sober enough not to slur.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Halloween Hijinks

People ask me what my costume will be for Halloween. I dodge the question with a vague and unsatisfying response. Mostly because I don't know, but also because I want to seem mysterious. Here are a few hints as to what I'm thinking...

Hint #1

Hint #2

Hint #3

But which will it be?

The Lost Months

Hey! It's been two months since last we spoke.

Sadly, interesting things have not been happening in my life...at least not pleasantly interesting things, and so I have not felt the need, nay desire, to post. It seemed needless to burden you with the crazy things, and so I've simply kept silent.

I realize now that may have saddened you. I am heartily sorry.

Shall I promise I will be more regular in my posting? Perhaps I will keep it on the safe side and promise I will TRY to be more regular in my posting. Does that suit? Let's shake on it.

I feel better about this already.