Thank you 99.1 for including a session of call-in requests at 10:00 PM for my drive home. The following is a delicious exerpt of that portion of your broadcast that had me laughing aloud.
Host: Who's on your mind tonight?
Caller: My ex-fiance
Host: Oh, your "ex?" I'm sorry.
Caller: Yeah, we were together for seven years.
Host: Did she give you the boot?
Caller: Yeah. She wanted to explore more options and have more experiences.
Host: Wow, you were together for a long time. How old are you?
Caller: I'm 23. She's 21.
Host: Oh......so you were together seven years?
Caller: Yeah.
Me: (Furiously doing math in my head) That's statutory rape!
Host: (crickets chirping)
Caller: (breathing)
Host: Well, I'm gonna play a song for you and I hope it makes you feel better.
Caller: Thank you.
The Song:
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Single in the City: Restaurant Wars
Lately I've been enjoying Milwaukee's dining options solo. I got into the habit when I lived in Hungary, and, upon returning to the U.S., it seemed reasonable to try out new restaurants on my own.
Hey, I'm single and I can't always wait around for my friends to be free for dinner.
That said, it's quite disconcerting just how NOT normal it is in American society for people to eat alone. Try it sometime. And pay attention to the hostess's face when you tell her you are not, in fact, waiting for someone but will be needing a table for one.
Once again, that said, I've decided on a new blog feature entitled "Single in the City" where I take on the land of coupledom and grouptainment to see how establishments make the grade for us single folks. Points for friendliness of staff and lack of weird factor.
First up: Rock Bottom Brewery
The hostess at Rock Bottom Brewery greeted me with a smile for my solo lunch. Never asking if I was waiting for anyone, she simply asked if I would like a table in the bar or in the dining area. I chose the latter.
Once seated, the waiter took my order, only blinking an eye when I ordered a beer in the afternoon on a weekday and not when I sat alone in the booth for 2 hours.
While the restaurant was a bit empty, the staff never once made me feel awkward or inadequate for enjoying my dining experience solo. I did get some work done, so I didn't come in unarmed this time. However, my waiter was very attentive, yet not so much so that it made it seem he was trying to make up for my lack of company. If you've every dined out alone, you know what I mean.
Final Score: Gold Star
The staff at Rock Bottom were friendly and just the right amount of attentive. They didn't try to rush me out of the restaurant out of empathetic embarrassment or a desire to fill the table with more profitable group. Even more, the other customers did not seem uncomfortable with my lone status, in fact, they didn't even seem to notice.
Tune in for my next installment when I recount my experience at Chancery in Wauwatosa, and the suburban housewives seated at the next table who talked about me and my poor, single state the entire time I ate.
Hey, I'm single and I can't always wait around for my friends to be free for dinner.
That said, it's quite disconcerting just how NOT normal it is in American society for people to eat alone. Try it sometime. And pay attention to the hostess's face when you tell her you are not, in fact, waiting for someone but will be needing a table for one.
Once again, that said, I've decided on a new blog feature entitled "Single in the City" where I take on the land of coupledom and grouptainment to see how establishments make the grade for us single folks. Points for friendliness of staff and lack of weird factor.
First up: Rock Bottom Brewery
The hostess at Rock Bottom Brewery greeted me with a smile for my solo lunch. Never asking if I was waiting for anyone, she simply asked if I would like a table in the bar or in the dining area. I chose the latter.
Once seated, the waiter took my order, only blinking an eye when I ordered a beer in the afternoon on a weekday and not when I sat alone in the booth for 2 hours.
While the restaurant was a bit empty, the staff never once made me feel awkward or inadequate for enjoying my dining experience solo. I did get some work done, so I didn't come in unarmed this time. However, my waiter was very attentive, yet not so much so that it made it seem he was trying to make up for my lack of company. If you've every dined out alone, you know what I mean.
Final Score: Gold Star
The staff at Rock Bottom were friendly and just the right amount of attentive. They didn't try to rush me out of the restaurant out of empathetic embarrassment or a desire to fill the table with more profitable group. Even more, the other customers did not seem uncomfortable with my lone status, in fact, they didn't even seem to notice.
Tune in for my next installment when I recount my experience at Chancery in Wauwatosa, and the suburban housewives seated at the next table who talked about me and my poor, single state the entire time I ate.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Really Dying Happy
Today when I arrived on campus an extraordinary thing happened that completed my life's journey.
After I parked in the ramp, I headed over to the College of Communication building two blocks away. As per usual, the red light at the intersection dictated which way I crossed first. This time I crossed East first, and then South toward The Al.
As I made my way past The Al I heard a trickling sound.
"That's funny," I thought, "It's not raining."
I looked toward the building, and sure enough, a homeless man was urinating on the corner of The Al.
Thankfully, he was turned away from me and so I did not have to witness the indecent exposure, however, I could see that he was creating a rather impressive waterfall of a wet spot on the nice buff-colored concrete.
I had two options:
1. Call Public Safety, after which they would arrive just in time to see the wet spot drying with no perpetrator, or
2. Go on my way and glory in the fact that my time at graduate school is now complete.
I chose the latter.
After I parked in the ramp, I headed over to the College of Communication building two blocks away. As per usual, the red light at the intersection dictated which way I crossed first. This time I crossed East first, and then South toward The Al.
As I made my way past The Al I heard a trickling sound.
"That's funny," I thought, "It's not raining."
I looked toward the building, and sure enough, a homeless man was urinating on the corner of The Al.
Thankfully, he was turned away from me and so I did not have to witness the indecent exposure, however, I could see that he was creating a rather impressive waterfall of a wet spot on the nice buff-colored concrete.
I had two options:
1. Call Public Safety, after which they would arrive just in time to see the wet spot drying with no perpetrator, or
2. Go on my way and glory in the fact that my time at graduate school is now complete.
I chose the latter.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Dying Happy
I recently had a life-altering experience. I fulfilled a long-held dream of mine that, now complete, means that I will die happy. This past weekend I played bingo at the Oneida Bing & Casino in Green Bay, WI. I've never played bingo at a casino before, always preferring to keep my gambling addiction hidden in church basements and at grandma's house. However, I can tell you that the Nite Owl session in Oneida is a dream-fulfilling experience that I'll never forget.
The night started young at 7 P.M. My mother, and gambling compatriot (read: enabler), insisted we arrive early as the crazy bingo players usually do. Afterall, you cannot have a fulfilling bingo experience without following in the footsteps of the crazy bingo players.
After purchasing our packs and special games, we sat in a haze of secondhand smoke until the 9 P.M. session started. At 8:50 P.M. on the nose, the current session ended and we made a run for a table spot. Our goal was not to find the best spot, per se, but to find the best spot that would most enrage the habitual bingo players. You see, many crazy bingo players stake out the same spot every day and, at heart, are very, very superstitious people. Our goal that night was to infringe on that superstition.
Finally settled in for the long haul, we proceeded with the bingo experience. Twelve games later and none the richer, I took a moment and looked back on my time. Here's a rundown:
1. Most every game had the prefix "Crazy" attached to it. For example, we weren't just playing bingo, we were playing "Crazy Bingo." I concluded that the crazy bingo players could, in fact, only play crazy bingo. It makes a strange sort of sense.
2. Daubing is a must. Though the casino now offers computerized bingo games, the satisfyingly wet, ploppy sound of the dauber highlighting your latest numerical triumph is not to be missed.
3. Troll dolls do not help you win. Only successfully getting a bingo will help you win the game. Any charms, amulets, and, yes, troll dolls are unecessary and only make you look ridiculous.
4. The WI Smoking Ban cannot come soon enough. Unfortunately for this bingo player, The law does not apply to casinos. Alas, perhaps my bingo playing days are preemptively quashed.
5. "Don't embarrass me" was the one thing my mother told me when we started. Apparently, monitor bingo is a big no-no (calling "Bingo" based on a number shown on the monitor without waiting for the caller to announce it first).
6. Also prohibited? Talking. The serious (aka: crazy) bingo players get mad at you for messing with their concentration.
So, was it worth it? Indeed, it was. I now have plans to drag all of my friends to play bingo with me to share in the life-altering experience. And, of course, to snicker. Mustn't forget the snickering.
The night started young at 7 P.M. My mother, and gambling compatriot (read: enabler), insisted we arrive early as the crazy bingo players usually do. Afterall, you cannot have a fulfilling bingo experience without following in the footsteps of the crazy bingo players.
After purchasing our packs and special games, we sat in a haze of secondhand smoke until the 9 P.M. session started. At 8:50 P.M. on the nose, the current session ended and we made a run for a table spot. Our goal was not to find the best spot, per se, but to find the best spot that would most enrage the habitual bingo players. You see, many crazy bingo players stake out the same spot every day and, at heart, are very, very superstitious people. Our goal that night was to infringe on that superstition.
Finally settled in for the long haul, we proceeded with the bingo experience. Twelve games later and none the richer, I took a moment and looked back on my time. Here's a rundown:
1. Most every game had the prefix "Crazy" attached to it. For example, we weren't just playing bingo, we were playing "Crazy Bingo." I concluded that the crazy bingo players could, in fact, only play crazy bingo. It makes a strange sort of sense.
2. Daubing is a must. Though the casino now offers computerized bingo games, the satisfyingly wet, ploppy sound of the dauber highlighting your latest numerical triumph is not to be missed.
3. Troll dolls do not help you win. Only successfully getting a bingo will help you win the game. Any charms, amulets, and, yes, troll dolls are unecessary and only make you look ridiculous.
4. The WI Smoking Ban cannot come soon enough. Unfortunately for this bingo player, The law does not apply to casinos. Alas, perhaps my bingo playing days are preemptively quashed.
5. "Don't embarrass me" was the one thing my mother told me when we started. Apparently, monitor bingo is a big no-no (calling "Bingo" based on a number shown on the monitor without waiting for the caller to announce it first).
6. Also prohibited? Talking. The serious (aka: crazy) bingo players get mad at you for messing with their concentration.
So, was it worth it? Indeed, it was. I now have plans to drag all of my friends to play bingo with me to share in the life-altering experience. And, of course, to snicker. Mustn't forget the snickering.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Drinking Games
Usually I don't like to post my debaucherous exploits online for all to see, but this is a matter of public service. You see, this past weekend I was witness to the creation of two new drinking games. Only you, Internets, can benefit from a retelling.
Game #1: Indian Style Apples
Supplies: Apples 2 Apples game cards, creativity, opposable thumbs
Directions:
1. Each player chooses a red Apples 2 Apples card
2. Place card facing toward other players on forehead
3. Players try to get each other to guess the word on their cards following the rules of Taboo (you cannot say the word or any derivation thereof in your description)
Tips:
Alternate turns with green Apples 2 Apples cards
Game #2: Bitch, please
Supplies: Bicycle playing cards, copious amounts of booze, mild-to-medium level buzz
Directions:
1. Players deal cards and play Go Fish
2. Instead of saying "Go Fish," when player asks for card you don't have, you say, "Bitch, please."
Tips:
Game works best when riding on a mild-to-medium level buzz. You should be drunk enough to find "Bitch, please" hilarious, yet sober enough not to slur.
Game #1: Indian Style Apples
Supplies: Apples 2 Apples game cards, creativity, opposable thumbs
Directions:
1. Each player chooses a red Apples 2 Apples card
2. Place card facing toward other players on forehead
3. Players try to get each other to guess the word on their cards following the rules of Taboo (you cannot say the word or any derivation thereof in your description)
Tips:
Alternate turns with green Apples 2 Apples cards
Game #2: Bitch, please
Supplies: Bicycle playing cards, copious amounts of booze, mild-to-medium level buzz
Directions:
1. Players deal cards and play Go Fish
2. Instead of saying "Go Fish," when player asks for card you don't have, you say, "Bitch, please."
Tips:
Game works best when riding on a mild-to-medium level buzz. You should be drunk enough to find "Bitch, please" hilarious, yet sober enough not to slur.
Halloween Hijinks
Sunday, October 18, 2009
The Lost Months
Hey! It's been two months since last we spoke.
Sadly, interesting things have not been happening in my life...at least not pleasantly interesting things, and so I have not felt the need, nay desire, to post. It seemed needless to burden you with the crazy things, and so I've simply kept silent.
I realize now that may have saddened you. I am heartily sorry.
Shall I promise I will be more regular in my posting? Perhaps I will keep it on the safe side and promise I will TRY to be more regular in my posting. Does that suit? Let's shake on it.
I feel better about this already.
Sadly, interesting things have not been happening in my life...at least not pleasantly interesting things, and so I have not felt the need, nay desire, to post. It seemed needless to burden you with the crazy things, and so I've simply kept silent.
I realize now that may have saddened you. I am heartily sorry.
Shall I promise I will be more regular in my posting? Perhaps I will keep it on the safe side and promise I will TRY to be more regular in my posting. Does that suit? Let's shake on it.
I feel better about this already.
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