If I had a nickel every time someone asked why I don't have a boyfriend I would have, well, at least a dozen nickels, which isn't that many in the scheme of things.
Still, after reading this story, I now have a new reply to folks asking me that question. It's because I'm looking for a guy like that, though, of course, single and more in my age bracket. Until I find him I'll keep collecting those nickels, thank you very much.
With that said, I bet you're wondering what all this has to do with venereal disease.
The answer, of course, is nothing.
VD is my shorthand for Valentine's Day. It's a little known fact that, for all intents and purposes, venereal disease and Valentine's Day are one in the same.
In my estimation, the best way to spend VD is by watching horror movies. For those of you with a honey, you can snuggle up together when the going gets tough (read: scenes get scary), and for the single folks, you can gleefully watch what was a romance movie go horribly awry.
Thus, I bring to you, the five best horror movies for VD (in no particular order):
1. White Zombie (1932)
The first zombie film ever made, it begins with a classic love triangle. Neil and Madeline are engaged. They take a trip to Haiti. Charles Beaumont wants Madeline for himself. He enlists Bela Lugosi's character (name too ridiculous for publication here), who gives him a vial of a mysterious drug. Madeline dies after inhaling the drug, but we find later that she isn't dead. She's a zombie, and Lugosi and his zombie slaves come to claim her.
2. Amityville Horror (1979, 2005)
Newlyweds move into a house - a grand house on waterfront property that they shouldn't be able to afford. It seems too good to be true. It is. I think the 1979 version is the scariest - there's something about horror movies of the 1960's and 70's that had a great suspense factor where now they usually just have a bloodshed factor. I do, however, think the 2005 version is pretty good, but Ryan Reynold's naked torso has a lot to do with my favorable opinion.
3. Rosemary's Baby (1968)
Rosemary and her husband move into a new apartment. Husband is an actor, and a bad one at that. He makes friends with the neighbors. Suddenly his acting career takes off, and Rosemary gets preggers. What's more romantic than your hubby bartering the use of your womb in trade for career success?
4. Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Who doesn't love a horror movie that's also a comedy? And for this one, the romance factor is pretty high seeing as how Shaun braves the zombie-filled London streets just to ensure that his ex-girlfriend, Liz, is safe. Ladies, this is probably the only way you'll get your man to willingly see a romantic comedy.
5. The Shining (1980)
Wife with bug eyes and writer husband move the family to a remote, isolated hotel to be caretakers in the off-season. Hotel is haunted. Husband becomes possessed and tries to kill his family. Now THAT'S romance for the ages.