Have you ever been to a roller derby?
It's brutal. Intimidating women on wheels, hip-to-hip jostling, the occassional fast-flying skater tumbling into the front row of spectators...brutal.
But also awesome.
For the low, low price of $15, the Brew City Bruisers give you two matches and a half-time show.
Don't be fooled. They say they're an "amateur" league, but I wonder if that's just meant to lull you into a feeling of safety.
Having lived in Eastern Europe, my favorite team is, of course, The Rushin' Rollettes, but as far as clever names go, The Shevil Knevils are a close second.
Speaking of clever names, the ladies have some pretty good ones themselves. I'd have to say Coco Shrapnel of the Crazy Eights is my favorite lady skater name, and [O]edipus Ref is my favorite name of all the dudes in stripes.
Like everyone seated around us, LB and I took the liberty of coming up with as many roller derby names as we could think of. Seeing as how this illustrious event took place five days ago, you'll forgive me if these are all that I can remember:
Commie Kaze - skating for the Rushin' Rollettes team, of course
Frito Slaya - delicious with chili and cheese poured on top
Conflict Diamond - this would be my name, and I stole it from Joss Whedon
Minx Stoli - this would be LB's name, and she'd keep a mini bottle in her skate at all times, again, no doubt she'd be skating for the Rushin' Rollettes
Schlitzkreig - a good ol' Milwaukee original, sure to skate for the Brew City Bruisers or Milwaukee maidens
Cleoscratchya - a history lesson in Egypt's fascination with felines
Elizabeth the Fist - another history lesson that packs a punch
Debating what your roller derby name would be is all fine and good, especially if you're clever about it (I'm talking to you young ladies seated behind us, "Baywatch Babe"?!?! Really?!?!), but what really made the night entertaining were the breakskaters.
That's right, folks, I said "breakskaters."
You: "What is a breakskater, Ms. Quarter?"
Me: "An illusion of awesomeness, You, an illusion of awesomeness."
Now why an "illusion" you ask?
Go ahead. I'll wait.
Well, because, though breakdancing on skates - which is what breakskating is, after all - is awesome, I'm pretty sure that it takes a lot of practice to be able to do those sweet moves on wheels.
This leads me to two conclusions.
1. At one point in your young life you thought, "Hey, I think breakdancing on rollerskates would be pretty sweet."
2. You then spent the entirety of your childhood practicing your breakskating at the local roller rink.
Illusion of awesomeness, people, illusion.